You’re Damned If You Do and Invisible If You Don’t
Listen to this episode on the Purpose + Profit Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or the podcast player of your choice.
Have you seen The Barbie Movie? If not, definitely check it out. But if you have, you KNOW the scene I’m about to reference. The one where America Ferrera lays out in powerful detail all the contradictions that go along with being a woman.
For many female entrepreneurs, visibility feels like a no-win situation. If you speak up, you risk being labeled as “too much” – too assertive, too ambitious, too loud, too…… fill in the blank. If you stay quiet, you’re ignored, overlooked entirely, or worse, chastised for not speaking up. This impossible balancing act is what’s often called the double bind: the societal expectation that women must be visible but not too visible. Bold but not aggressive, “threatening”, or angry. Confident but still likable.
Sound familiar?
If you’re like me and have ever hesitated to share your ideas, pitch your business, or show up boldly online because you didn’t want to seem “pushy”, weren’t sure what to even say, or risk potential backlash, you’re not alone. The double bind is an insidious trap that keeps far too many female entrepreneurs stuck, silent, and constantly second-guessing ourselves.
But here’s one thing I have learned along the way: Shrinking myself trying to fit into someone else’s mold doesn’t work. Your real power lies in embracing your voice, your story, and your unique expertise and experience to the table—even if it makes some people uncomfortable.
The Reality of the Double Bind
The double bind operates on one simple premise: as a woman, you’re expected to show up in a way that makes others feel comfortable. Sit with that for a second. You might even find yourself reflecting on experiences in your life where it’s clear you were actively trying to balance on that tightrope. Be confident, but not cocky; be passionate, but not “emotional”, or be a leader, but don’t outshine others. It’s really freaking exhausting, and in the end, it’s you who barely makes it across to the other side.
When you step into visibility, this tension, this balancing act, can feel overwhelming:
If you speak your truth, people may accuse you of being aggressive or difficult.
If you hold back, you may be dismissed as uninspiring or unqualified.
If you try to please everyone, you lose yourself in the process.
It’s no wonder so many female entrepreneurs play small (I really hate this phrase, but this is definitely the effect), staying invisible just to avoid the criticism, judgment, and other labels that often can come with having an opinion, being outspoken about them, and standing up for what you value.
What’s Really at Stake
If you’re a breathing woman, you probably know what’s at stake, but I would be remiss if I didn’t lay out how the double bind often dictates our actions and how we show up. I would also be remiss if I didn’t highlight what this costs us… and it’s expensive.
Your Message Stays Hidden
I mentioned this last week, but the people who need your voice—the clients, collaborators, and communities you’re meant to serve—can’t find you if you’re afraid to be seen. And here’s the bigger truth: when women who can speak up stay silent, it creates a ripple effect of missed opportunities for others, especially women in marginalized communities. Your visibility has the power to challenge systems of oppression and exclusion and open doors for those whose voices have historically been minimized and/or silenced.You Reinforce Harmful Norms
Staying invisible doesn’t just impact you. It sends a message to others—especially younger women and those looking to you for inspiration—that it’s safer to shrink than to lead. I have had to do this on my daughter’s behalf a number of times because I knew the system she found herself in wasn’t supportive… and in some cases had the potential for harm.
By stepping into visibility, embracing your role as a leader in whatever spaces you inhabit, you show what’s possible and act as a true ally. When you use your voice to bring attention to issues or challenges you see, advocate for equity and inclusion, and challenge the status quo, especially when it’s harmful and dangerous for others, you amplify the voices of those who need support, invite people into this process with you, and create space for real change.You Miss the Chance to Lead Authentically
Women in positions of privilege or access have a unique responsibility to model bold, unapologetic leadership—not just for their own success, but for the impact it can have on creating a more inclusive world. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, former Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, once said, “Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.”
As I look at the world around us, we need smart, compassionate, female voices, ideas, and solutions to close the very real gaps we’re facing as a nation and a planet. We need your leadership.
The Path to Breaking Free
As you well know and feel, the double bind is real, but it doesn’t have to be the blocker it often seems. Here’s how you can start challenge some of that tension you probably feel:
1. Reframe Visibility as Service
Your voice isn’t just about you—it’s about the people you’re here to help. When you choose to show up, you’re not just building your business; you’re offering solutions, inspiration, and leadership to those who need it most. I have long said, if you had the cure for cancer, you wouldn’t keep it close to the vest. No, you would be out there shouting from the mountaintops about it, telling every person you know. Visibility, your voice and ideas and solutions to the challenges and issues before us, IS someone’s cancer.
2. Get Clear on Your “Why”
This probably comes as no surprise given that I have literally been talking about your big idea, purpose, and passion for the last three years. That’s no accident. When you are clear on the answers to these questions, you have a northstar, something that keeps you anchored in and focused. Why does your work matter to you? Why do you care about making an impact? Anchoring yourself in your purpose can help you push past the fear of judgment and focus on the bigger picture.
3. Accept That Criticism Is Part of the Process
Not everyone will agree with you. Let me say that again. Everyone will not agree with you, and that’s okay. You, your message, your business doesn’t exist to please everyone, to make everyone feel comfortable—you’re here to make a difference. The people who matter will resonate with your message, and the rest? They’re not your audience.
4. Find Strength in Community
Surround yourself with like-minded women who understand the challenges of visibility. This is one of the biggest reasons I created The Social Impact Roundtable. I wanted - and knew we needed - a safe space for women who are passionate about impact work to build a strong support system that reminds you that you’re not alone in navigating this journey.
Why Visibility Matters More Than Ever
Breaking free from the double bind isn’t just about building your confidence—it’s about creating a ripple effect of change. When you show up authentically, you give others permission to do the same. You challenge outdated norms that keep women trapped in tight little boxes and pave the way for a future where bold, unapologetic female leadership is celebrated.
This isn’t easy work, but it’s necessary. And, more importantly, it’s worth it!
Your Next Step: From Fear to Fierce
If this resonates with you, I want to invite you to join The Visibility Breakthrough Workshop.
In this workshop, we’ll dig into the fears and barriers that keep you and your voice small and help you create a clear, actionable plan to step into visibility with confidence.
You’ll learn how to:
Silence the inner critic and overcome the fear of judgment.
Speak your truth without apology.
Lead boldly while staying true to yourself.
I hope you’ve seen throughout this blog post that the double bind only has power if you let it. It’s time to break free, reclaim your voice, and step fully into the leader you’re meant to be, sister.
Click here to register for The Visibility Breakthrough Workshop today.
